Together over a decade - here’s what we learned.
My husband and I just celebrated an anniversary. We have been together for almost 12 years.
Honestly, it’s still incredible to think about. We did not have traditional upbringings, and we didn’t get so much as an inkling of a blueprint for how successful relationships worked.
Still, over the years the hubs and I figured some things out. We’ve – literally and figuratively - had incredible “max-out” days, spotted each other, hit massive PRs, and built some serious strength together.
But, we’ve also hit rocky patches peppered with triggers and burnout, dealt with each other’s terrible form, and accidentally ego-lifted our way straight into injuries, conflict, and misunderstandings.
Some relationships thrive at surface levels. Marriages, not so much. Long-term marital harmony isn't about repping out the light stuff - it’s about learning how to grind through the heavy sets without tearing the marriage tendons or blowing out your lower back.
Ok I'm done with the fitness metaphors… for now buahahaha.
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Communication is the cornerstone for any relationship’s success, but it is particularly important in romantic relationships. The intention is typically to spend most of your life with your partner, after all. So, it makes sense to learn how to talk - and listen - to your person (or people, we don’t judge here).
Successful communication builds understanding. It builds trust, and it helps build stronger, longer-lasting connections.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t taught terribly well how to speak or listen. We’re not taught how to apologize and fully express ourselves, either.
So where do we start? Read below to find out. This isn’t everything of course, but it’s a good first step.
Step 1: Self-Awareness (aka, the Pre-Workout)
If you’re a client of mine, you already know that I harp on about finding your triggers. You can’t make change if you don’t know what’s happening.
How do you identify your triggers? Well, if it causes a reaction out of you – usually one of defensiveness, discomfort, or anxiety – it’s a trigger.
If you’re a fan of Jung’s work, triggers would be your Shadow parts talking.
When you’re triggered you’re not thinking with the decision-making part of your brain - you’re working with the alarm system. But, if you get activated and take a second to pause, you allow time for your brain to shift from threat to thinking. There is incredible power in the pause.
In the space of that pause, you can ask yourself:
What am I actually feeling right now? Name it clearly. Am I frustrated, hurt, anxious, disappointed? Where in my body is this happening? Get granular.
Bonus points if you say it out loud – doing so shifts your thinking from alarm to decision mode faster.
What need is going unmet? Do I need to feel seen? Respected? Validated? Supported?
What's the narrative I'm spinning? Challenge that story immediately. Is it actually true, or is it just colored by past baggage or insecurities?
Don’t be discouraged if you don’t nail it right away. Change happens over time, not overnight.
Identification is a skill and needs to be trained like any muscle would. Every rep counts.
Step 2: Constructing the “I Feel" Statement (aka, Form Check)
It may feel silly or weird at first – that’s fine. If you’re at a loss for words, try using this structure:
"I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [your need/reason]."
“I” statements help you express your concerns without activating your person’s defense systems.
“You always ignore my texts and keep me worrying for hours” lands one way – not well. "I feel anxious when you don't respond to my texts for hours because I start worrying about your safety and feel disconnected” lands quite differently.
“You never cuddle with me or give me affection” may be a true statement, but it may be interpreted as blaming. Saying "I feel loved when we cuddle on the couch because physical closeness is a core need for me" is often better received.
“I” statements aren’t just for arguments, either. They work well to offer praise and reinforce desired behaviors. A couple of examples:
—> “I feel so supported when you jump in to clear the kitchen after dinner because it shows me we're tackling the day as a team."
—> “I felt so cherished when you brought me coffee this morning because thoughtful gestures make me feel loved.”
Pretty sweet, right?
The Mechanics of the “I” Statement:
It focuses on your internal experience, not blame: This distinction is everything. Blame is a surefire way to get your person’s defense walls up, and fast. Focus strictly on your own state.
Specificity eliminates misunderstanding: "I feel frustrated" is a great start, but ultimately vague. "I feel frustrated when you leave dishes in the sink overnight" gives your person an actual target.
It connects emotion directly to need: The "because" piece is critical. It exposes the underlying vulnerability, which shows why the issue actually matters.
Conflict is almost always just a masked expression of an unmet need.
Watch out for the "But": Have y’all ever heard the saying that anything before a “but” doesn’t count? Now you have. When you feel a “but” coming on, resist the urge. Adding "but..." entirely negates your statement and destroys vulnerability. Say your piece, lock it in, and leave it there.
Step 3: Active Listening (aka, the Heavy Lifting)
While one person is opening up, the other partner is doing other heavy stuff: listening.
If you’re the listener, keep this in mind:
Focus on understanding – not reacting or formulating a comeback: Here’s where you may get activated by something your person says, so the pause is crucial. Resist the urge to interrupt, defend yourself, or immediately try to fix it. Your only job is to witness your partner's experience.
Reflect what you heard: We all interpret things through different lenses shaped by our unique experiences. Sometimes, one person’s definition isn’t the same as the other’s. Reflecting back makes sure you heard the intended message; e.g., “So when I don't reply for hours, it leaves you feeling anxious and out of the loop with me. Is that right?”
Validate their emotion (even without agreement): Say something like, "I understand why you'd feel anxious, and that makes sense given how much you care about my safety."Validation isn't agreeing with their interpretation; it's simply saying “I hear you, I see you, I’m here.”
Ask clarifying questions: Why wade through murky waters when you can clarify the path? Asking clarifiers doesn’t make you look silly, it makes you involved and attentive. "Can you unpack that a little more for me, so I understand why that felt so disconnecting?"
Kill the defensiveness: Defensiveness is an instant progress killer. It shuts down the conversation and walls out connection. If you feel yourself becoming defensive, try to view this as an opportunity to build capacity and deepen intimacy instead.
The Long Game
Remember: you two are on the same team. It’s y’all against your challenges, not y’all against each other.
Imagine if you were doing a tandem deadlift – would ignoring each other lead to getting the lift? Nope. Focused strength and connection will.
"I feel" statements and other emotional regulation tools aren't a quick 1-rep fix. They take consistent practice and refinement over time. Again, change doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourselves.
This isn't just about resolving every argument, either. It's about building an environment where vulnerability is welcomed, needs are clearly communicated, and connection thrives. When you approach conflict with awareness and intention, it stops being a threat and becomes your absolute best tool for growth.
Thanks for reading!
— Sasha